At First Glance

All women, young and old, can understand or have even experienced the one significant moment, time, place and feeling that you get when you lock eyes with that perfect man; the man that embodies your ideal mate, boyfriend, and husband. No matter how you picture this man to be, whether he be tall, dark and handsome, smart and successful, strong and supportive or perhaps even geeky, he’s nothing shy of perfect. No matter whom they choose to or end up being, there is no flaw or limitation as to how you two will be able to thrive together. You get this feeling. It’s unexplainable, really, but when the room is entered, and out of the crowd you see his face, when nothing else matters and the world genuinely slows down momentarily… When you go to gasp for air that isn’t available and you regain the strength to think to yourself that he wouldn’t be interested in you and that you are merely infatuated with his appearance but maybe, per chance, your paths will cross – but you’re not in pursuit because he would never really be fond of you. The only hope one has from there is to eventually meet this man and strike up a conversation. The lucky ones get their chance to. However, some women are not so lucky. I was extremely fortunate.

A Long Time Coming

I know here, it's never read. There's just something about the feeling of putting words down, being able to post them, and that maybe, someone will come along and read what you have taken the time to write, perhaps something you say will inspire them, or change their outlook on something. I find that those are the people that inspire me, other writers or anyone looking for an audience to continue to pursue their dreams, continue to do what they love and be successful in all their endeavours.
Right now, I know I'm writing to myself, as a reflection, let's say, of how I've grown over the last year. Nothing has given me motivation to write until now. I'm doing this for me, for the time being. I have a lot of built up opinions, thoughts, and experiences I would like to share; if only with my future self. To remind me of myself, who I am and who I definitely do not want to be. I have opened my eyes to a lot of different things within the past year, and perhaps here, I can straighten out my mind, and continue to grow and be true to myself. I've spent far too long living for other people, doing what other people want me to do, and becoming what other people want me to be. I'm tired of that. I'm not that person and you cannot change me anymore. It's making me sick. These people that are out there looking to put all the blame on someone else and especially saying the things that should be directed right back at themselves. No, by saying things such as this I'm not being self-centered. No, by saying things such as this I don't only care about myself. In fact, I'm still the person that would do anything to help someone out, or be there for the ones I love or even USED to love... I haven't changed for that sense. I'm just tired of the sarcasm, the games, and the values, morals and virtues that people no longer respect. I tried, I really did try to have you accept me, but sometimes, I've learned, that it's okay to put your happiness first for once. And I wasn't happy, so I did begin to cut ties with the people that brought me down the most. I hated to. They didn't understand why I went away for so long. Some of my "best" friends I couldn't even trust with something as insignificant as lunch money (poor example, but you understand). It hurt me too. Not to see the people I was used to seeing everyday? The people I grew up with? Yes. It sucked, and no, I wasn't being a bitch. They were so mad, so upset and said very hurtful things in my direction. But I couldn't stand the way they treated me. I really only wanted to be put first by someone for once...But I always ended up being the fall-back.. or the "safe" one. That's when I knew that I had made the right decision. Some ties have and will be slowly reconnected over time. Once I have allowed people to grow up; including myself. But until then, I'm a very secluded person. I find myself with very few, very close friends whom I see on a daily/regular basis. I couldn't be happier with that aspect of my life. ---and no, I'm not a loser.

There's just too many more important things to me now that I've left school. I'm working a lot, bettering myself for my future in post-secondary education and trying my best to take steps in the right direction to begin building a successful future. I've found, now, that I spent far too long dwelling on my social life, caring about opinions and not long enough paying attention -or even realizing- what was truly important in life. Some of my new values are honesty and trust. Those are two things that you will need your whole life, regardless of what job you end up in, married or not, wealthy or poor... Those are two of the most important things to me right now. Sadly, I'm unable to take all of my advice at once... I do still shy away from a lot of people, and end up hindering relationships due to my lack of trust, but I'm getting better. Another, is that I believe in second chances. People everywhere make mistakes. They take things for granted everyday. Sometimes it takes one REALLY big fuck up to open their eyes, and try harder next time. But third chances are very hard for me to believe in yet. Fool me once, shame on you... Fool me twice, shame on me. I am, however, always the first to believe the best in people *face palm*. Sometimes I feel very stupid and naive, but when I think deeper into it, if you never try, you'll never know. I've proved to myself that when I care about something, or even someone for that matter, I try for that thing or person as hard as I can until there literally is no hope left. Someone can only be turned down so many times before they're pushed away forever...

I feel as though I have turned to reading and writing as my latest vice. To allow my mind to wander is seemingly the best form of treatment to my thoughts. Reading inspires me to write, and writing inspires me to read what others have written. So I do hope that I will be able to stay committed to this blog for at least a little while. Whether it be pent up anger, provocative content, or just to allow myself to wander, I hope to document it here.

If there are any readers, I do hope that something is gained from this, if not, I hope no time was ever wasted.

Some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for.

Elmo, Matt & Andrew: